


Five Ninety Nine For A Minute Of Your Time

by Fangirl4life



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6388948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl4life/pseuds/Fangirl4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My name is Daniel James Howell; I hate that name. It sounds so important and high-society, not like the name of someone who lives in his car because his grandmother kicked him out."</p>
<p>The story of how one blue-eyed boy with a galaxy backpack changed teenage nobody Dan Howell's life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

January 4th, 2016

 

Hello journal thing.

Mrs. Rivera (my literature teacher) gave me this journal for Christmas because she said I was a good writer; I kind of forgot about it until now. Sorry journal.

I should probably say something about myself in case you care, I don’t know, that seems like a thing people do. My name is Daniel James Howell; I hate that name. It sounds so important and high-society, not like the name of someone who lives in his car because his grandmother kicked him out.

I lived with her after my parents died. Now that sounds really sad but it’s not as bad as you might think, journal. See, I was only two when my mum died in a car accident and I was five when my dad died of cancer. My grandmother raised me after that; until I was sixteen that was.

I decided to tell her I was gay because most people seemed okay with it but instead she kicked me out. I was really hoping for a better reaction than that but anyway. That’s enough backstory.

 

The second semester of my third year in secondary school started today. Everyone was talking about their Christmases and what they got, except me that is, because I have no friends and you can’t set up a Christmas tree in a car.

Anyway, things started pretty normal today. I went to my classes and tried to pay attention, I needed to get good grades so I could maybe get into a university. I’m pretty smart I guess, most teachers think I’ll grow up to do great things, but they don’t know anything really. I mean, maybe if I had a university fund and a supportive family who would help, maybe; but as it is I’ll be lucky to get into a decent university on a shit ton of financial aid and a scholarship. That’s really boring though so I’ll skip over that and get to the important part.

I have a writing class this semester. Today was pretty boring since it was the first day but the important part isn’t the class, it’s a member of the class. His name is Phil. He has black hair, electric eyes, and pale skin; he could have walked out of one of the animes I used to watch when I lived in a house with a TV. He had a slight northern accent and seemed to always be smiling. He had a galaxy backpack and a Totoro shirt. He was about my height, which is rare because I’m the size of a small giraffe. Anyway, I won’t go on forever about him because, honestly, I could.

The reason I’m bringing up Phil is because of what happened after class. He came up to me after class and I figured it was to ask for the notes or something because why else would he talk to me? He introduced himself and we made small talk for about five minutes before… well I’ll try to summarize the dialogue for you…

 

P: “So what are you doing after school?”

D: “Nothing much. Probably just homework.”

P: “Do you want to go get coffee or something?”

Obviously, I had to decline since I didn’t have the money for coffee. My only income was minimum wage at a petrol station near the school

D: “I can’t sorry. Are your friends busy?”

Phil was confused by that, and what he said next explained why.

P: “I didn’t mean as friends. I was asking you out.”

That was terrifying, to say the least. I might have said yes if it weren’t for the fact that Phil would never want that if he knew. Phil thought I was just the shy kid from his writing class, that’s what I was to most people here. No one from school knew that I lived in my car and had to work long hours just to get food.

D: “I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

Well that’s what I might have tried to say. It probably came out as a mess of random sounds. Phil apologized and looked actually pretty upset. Part of me wanted to stop him and agree, and still does, but I couldn’t and can’t. Phil deserved better than me.

We went our separate ways after that; him probably to his nice house or to go hang out somewhere with his friends and me to the petrol station to sell cigarettes and red bull to strangers for £6.70 an hour.

That’s where I am now. No one in here now because it’s almost 9. I usually do homework and study while I wait for people to show up but I’m taking a break now to write this. I guess I’m probably stop now, Phil was the only interesting thing that happened. I might write again tomorrow, depending on if anything interesting happens.

***

Hi, sorry I'm writing again. It's really late but I can't sleep so, yeah, I'm just sort of rambling now. I'm really tired so I'm sorry if this makes no sense.

I'm still thinking about Phil. I shouldn't be but I am. I wish I was good enough for him. I really wish I could have said yes and went to coffee with him, but I can't.

Why doesn’t social services do anything, you might ask. Well the answer is simple: I don’t matter. If I was some little kid crying on the side of the road and looking for his mum who drove away and left him alone because she needed the money to fuel her heroin addiction, the authorities would be all over it, with the media in tow. But that’s not my life. I’m not some cute, innocent kid. I’m a seventeen year old, homosexual boy with no friends or home who sells energy drinks to truckers for £9.99 at a run-down petrol station. I didn’t matter.

Yet another reason why Phil deserves better. It keeps coming back to him today, doesn't it, journal? I guess he's just the most exciting thing that's happened to me in months; that's sad.

Nothing changes much in my life. I wake up in the backseat of my car, try to look a little better by pushing my brown hair into place and changing into a different sweatshirt, walk to school, go to class, go to work, work, go back to the car, sleep. That’s my life; every day; but then Phil walked in and that was an opportunity for something different, but it was an opportunity I just couldn't take.

It's a little past midnight; or so the clock in the car says. I should go to sleep soon, seeing as I have school tomorrow. I think I'll try to do that now. Goodnight, journal.  


* * *

 

January 5th, 2016

 

Today classes actually started. Most of yesterday was just explaining what classes were, handing out syllabuses, etc. Today we returned to the usual torture of the education system. I don’t _hate_ most of my classes but I’ve never found molecules particularly intriguing.

The only classes I really liked were English and Writing. Mrs. Rivera teaches my English again this year which is nice because she is a great teacher. She doesn’t give tests, per say, just assigns books to read and then has discussions and essays. Fortunately, all the books she has us read are in the school library so I can get them for free; no way I could ever afford all those books.

Writing is similar, from what I understand so far. Mr. Jacobson says he gives us a topic and we write a paper about it using any style or any opinion. Supposedly, his topics are always interesting as well so I have high hopes for that class.

Speaking of Writing class: Phil. I didn't see Phil today. He wasn't in writing class and from what I overheard, he wasn't at school at all.

Is it narcissistic to wonder if it's my fault? No way, he's probably just sick, or something. Maybe he's ditching to hang out with his new boyfriend and getting coffee. Either way, it doesn't concern me.

School was the same as always, minus one Phil.

 

I maybe should take today to talk about my classes, or something. I’m pretty good at writing, and sometimes history. I’m not very good at math or science though. Someone once said that great writers have tortured souls; I guess I’m a tortured soul.

Most of what I write is sad. Not sad like ‘my boyfriend cheated on me and now I will cry’ sad, more like ‘human life is fleeting and insignificant, why even try.’ I guess that makes for good papers or something.

People always talk about secondary school being the ‘time of your life’ but that doesn’t really apply when your life is one big disappointment. It wasn’t like I could go to parties, even _if_ I was invited, so what was the point or even making friends? We could never hang out or do anything or even talk about anything. I will always just be the loser kid who no one knows; that’s my fate.

***

Okay sorry, things got kind of dark there. My boss, Mr. Lowery, was mad at me and I was upset, I guess my mind kind of wandered. It’s been about an hour since I write that so I think I’m good to write without that happening again now.

I didn’t even do anything wrong! That cash looked completely real, how was I to know it wasn’t? Anyway, the fake £20 came out of my paycheck so I might not be able to eat for a few days, which is always fun (note the sarcasm.)

I might have said something about him being unfair but I really need this job. I can’t risk being left without a way of getting money because I need petrol and food. There was always child services but then I’d have to go into foster care and move and… I just can’t deal with that. Once I go to university, things will change somewhat. I’ll get a better job and maybe even a flat; that’s my goal.

Now I feel a lot better because I’m back in the car and it’s a nice night; no clouds to block out the dim stars. I like nights like this, they make things feel better. I can open the windows and feel the cool breeze on my skin, it’s refreshing. On nights like this, I close my eyes and pretend things are normal. It’s hard to do that when there’s snow and rain because if things were normal, I wouldn’t be freezing or wet from rain getting in through the cracked window.

I’m pretty tired though so I might go to sleep. Goodnight, journal.

*** 

Hello again, journal.

I woke back up. Should I start a new page since it’s technically three and therefore tomorrow? Today? Whatever. I already started it and I don’t feel like crossing it out.

I had a really bad dream, or a flashback I guess. It was just the memory of me getting kicked out replaying in my head. I can’t even remember exactly what happened or was said anymore, it’s been so distorted by my mind. I remember the major stuff though.

 

“Gramma? Can I talk to you?” I had asked one night.

She was watching the news on the couch while ironing one of my church shirts but looked up when I spoke “Oh course. What is it, dear?” She had said.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff and” I’d stopped talking there, I didn’t even know how to say it. She had just looked at me with wrinkled, brown eyes, saying nothing, so I continued “I don’t think I like girls…”

I remember the way her usually-kind face changed to an expression I’d never seen before. She was angry, but she seemed almost more disappointed than anything.

“Sorry, it’s nothing.” I mumbled and got up but she stopped me.

“You’re gay?” She had said softly, her voice flat.

I remember swallowing so hard it hurt, which only made my voice quaver more when I spoke “Yeah.. I guess.” maybe I should have stood up for my sexuality; but honestly I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Where the hell did I go wrong?” she shouted.

I don’t remember what I said or did, besides started crying, but I remember what she said like it was yesterday “I raised you to be a good Christian boy! This is your whore mother’s fault! I told your father she was bad news but no! He had to go destroy his life and now yours! You’re a disgrace, Daniel! I will not have someone like _you_ living in this household! Either fix yourself or pack your bags!”

Maybe I should have just said I would “fix myself” (because that was _totally_ possible without brainwashing) but instead I packed some clothes, enough food for a week, and got into my car. That was a year ago.

I guess you know my whole story now, journal. I hope you liked it, or at least didn’t hate it. Or maybe at least learned something from it. I’m going to go back to sleep now. Goodnight, journal.

 

* * *

  
  
January 6th, 2016

 

Never let me stay up that late again, journal. I’m writing this in History class just because I'm too tired to take notes. I've been half-asleep all day and just praying that nothing we go over is usefully, but it's not like I'd know what's useful or not because I'm so tired.

Ms. Jones is droning on and on about Greece but her drawing looks a hell of a lot more like a lemon than a country. Plus her explanations are absolutely horrible. Surprisingly enough, saying random facts is not the same as telling someone’s story. Thank you Jones, now I know that Constantine’s wife was Christian but what did he _do_?

Phil came back to school today so I guess he was just sick. It was narcissistic to think it was my fault. Of course not, it wasn’t like I mattered to him or to anyone else.

I think Peter Shrew (which is honestly just an unfortunate name. Shrew, it’s like a little mouse who’s only role in society is to get eaten by snakes.) is reading over my shoulder so I’m going to go now. Fuck you, Shrew, fuck you.

*** 

Sorry about that, journal.

Shrew is a nosy little prick but I suppose he means well. Fortunately he doesn’t have enough friends to start any real rumors. That would be a fun thing to deal with. I can imagine it now: “Yo, Dustin! Loser nerd’s got a diary!”

I don’t care what they think but it really annoys me when I have to start actively ignoring them instead of just my usual instinctive ignoring. Plus it’s not even a diary, it’s a journal. There’s a difference. I’m going to go look up both in a dictionary just to prove it.

_Diary: a book in which one keeps a daily record of events and experiences._

_Journal: a daily record of news and events of a personal nature_

See? Completely different. Diaries are fucking stupid and the only people who use them are people from Disney shows. This is just where I can express my thoughts, okay? Not a diary.

 

Fuck, I missed part of the definition.

 _Diary: a daily record of news and events of a personal nature;_ a diary.

I guess this is technically a diary now. Does that make me someone out of Disney channel? I’m Dan Howell, and you’re watching Disney channel.

Ugh, I was going somewhere with this entry. Honestly, journal, this is why I need to sleep. What I was trying to say was that I don’t really want a rumor going around that I have a journal or a diary or whatever because honestly I try to be invisible most of the time but that’s really difficult when everyone is discussing you. It’s also very difficult when your math teacher keeps calling on you because she doesn’t like you. Yes, Ms. Hurst, I’m talking about you.

Now I have never really paid attention in math, I really just can’t. I’ve tried for years to wrap my mind around all those equations and theorems but my brain just doesn’t work like that. I get that the measure of an exterior angle of a triangle is equal to the sum of the measures of the remote interior angles but why? I just can’t remember that much random information with nothing to infer or compare. Ms. Hurst knows this and she knows that what I’m doing right now isn’t working the problem she put on the board so she makes it her personal goal to call on me as much as possible just to watch me suffer. The worst part is that I know lots of people know exactly how to work out that problem and explain their answer but no she has to pick on me. Pick on PJ, one of Phil’s friends who is a literal math genius who sits right next to me. What did I do to deserve this?

Public humiliation is one of the worst feelings in the world and I think it’s almost worse for me than most people. For starters, I don’t have any friends to tell me that they didn’t know how to do it either, I just have people laughing and calling me an idiot. It also doesn’t help that standing up in front of everyone means reminding them of my existence and I’ve already told you, journal, how much I hate that. If you ever become a teacher (maybe in the future journals can teach classes, it could happen) please don’t be like Ms. Hurst. No wonder she isn’t married, the sadistic bitch takes too much pleasure in watching me suffer.

An average conversation goes something like this:

 

Ms. Hurst: Daniel, do you have the answer yet?

Me: Still working on it. (lies)

Ms. Hurst: Why don’t you come work it out on the board and show the class?

Me: I’d rather not, I’m still figuring this stuff out.

Ms. Hurst: Now, Daniel.

 

This is the part where the laughter begins and I make my way to the board to begin bullshitting my way through an equation I don’t understand. After a few seconds Ms. Hurst points out everything I’ve done wrong and doesn’t do anything to stop the laughter or rude comments, just sends me back to my seat and works the problem out herself. It’s hell.

PJ sometimes gives me an apologetic look as if he feels bad for me which is nice I guess. Maybe I should ask him to help me with math or something but that could mean getting close to him and that’s not going to happen. I’ll stick to smiling at him once and a while just so he doesn’t think I’m a complete asshole.

***

Hello journal.

I’m at work now and it’s annoyingly busy. There’s a gun show this weekend so there are a bunch of not-so-nice people arriving for that. Just a few minutes ago a woman who must have been at least forty was hitting on me. It was horrible. She smelled like cigarettes and gasoline and half her teeth were gone. I hate people like that coming in. Especially seeing as most of them seem to think I’m interested in them, which I assure you, journal, I am not.

It does make me think about what kind of person would like me though and I can’t think of a single person who would want the homeless kid off the street who would be even worth the effort. Maybe if I can do well in college and get a job and house but until then I will be single, not like I’d have time for a boyfriend anyway. I do think I’d like one though -someone to just talk to and hold, that would be so nice on lonely nights, which are most nights now that I think about it.

The only good thing about there being a bunch of annoying bikers coming through is that they usually pay in cash and sometimes let me keep the change, which is always nice. Like today someone bought a twenty four can case of Monster energy drinks (that can’t be good for them) which cost £32 but they just gave me £40 and didn’t bother to wait for their change. I now have an extra £8 and that’s like four days of microwave dinners! I actually get to eat! I might even take a trip down to the thrift shop and get a new jacket or something but that would mean getting petrol again which is pretty expensive. I’ll think on that tonight and figure it out later.  
I was doing some research today in the library and I can definitely get a scholarship to Greenwich (the closest college) that will allow me to go for almost free, and financial aid is offered so as long as my grades are good I can go there next year. Alright, I have to go because some kid is taking all the sunglasses off the rack while her mum looks for the right flavor of gum, kill me.


	2. Chapter 2

January 7th, 2016

Hello, journal.

I didn’t have any time to write during school today, not that anything interesting enough happened for it to matter, but now I’m at work and writing. Today has been pretty uneventful so I doubt this entry will be very interesting or long. I’ll write it anyway though because I need consistency in  my life. Like I said, school was boring. I had all my classes like usual but nothing really happened, just the usual education system continuing on.

There was a really drunk guy trying to buy pretzels a few minutes ago and I guess that would have been mildly amusing, were it not for the fact that it was my job to clean up the display of magazines he knocked over in his intoxicated state. Besides him, nothing has happened today and I can’t tell if I’m happy with that or not. This could mean one of two things: a) the universe was being kind and giving me my well deserved break or b) all hell was about to break lose.

***

Turns out, journal, the second option that I mentioned earlier about all hell breaking lose, yeah that doesn’t even start to sum up what just happened. For starters, I’m in a real bed, and there’s real food cooking downstairs. Now I know you’re probably a little confused as to how this happened and I don’t blame you, I’m still working it out myself honestly. I guess the best was to tell you what happened is just to start at the beginning, so back to work we go.

 

I was getting ready to leave when the little bell above the door rang to let me know that someone had walked into the store. I didn’t bother to glance up because I was tired and ready to leave but then he said my name, and I recognized his voice. I looked up and saw that Phil freakin’ Lester had just walked into the store, just my luck.

“Hey” I muttered and tried to not draw attention to myself, if I was lucky he’d just buy a bag of crisps and leave but of course that didn’t happen. He walked over and leaned against the counter, doing his best to force me to look at him.

“You work here?” He asked, like it wasn’t obvious.

“No,” he said sarcastically because I’m a bit of a sarcastic ass when I’m tired “I murdered the clerk and am wearing his uniform so no one catches on.”

He laughed and didn’t leave which made past-me very annoyed. I was tempted to ask him to hurry the fuck up but I didn’t, which was a very good plan because then he might have just left, but instead he started talking about how he used to work at the grocery store but got fired for talking too much. 

It was 9:10 when I asked him to just buy something because I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago, to which he replied “how much for a water bottle?” Finally a question I knew the answer to.

“One seventy-five,” I replied.

Then he decided to be a smug little ass and continue “how much for another minute of enlightening conversation?”

“Five ninety-nine,”

He seemed to think that was hilarious and also decided I was his best friend from that moment on “you're really funny, Dan. Do you need a ride home or anything?” He offered. I declined, obviously, and he seemed to get the hint that I needed to go. He bought his water and left. I didn’t expect to see him again that night.   
  


I maybe should have checked that he was driving the other way, in retrospect, and not in fact driving directly behind me when I parked and climbed into the backseat to go to sleep. Maybe then I would have been saved the heart attack I had when he got out of his own car and tapped on my window.

I probably let out the most embarrassing noise that most likely resembled the sound of a very scared pigeon before scrambling up into a sitting position. The door was locked so all he could do was look at me until I opened the door and got out.

“Can I help you?” I asked, really pissed that I had to get up again.

“Do you live in your car?” He asked, true concern in his electric eyes.

It was at that moment that I knew I was officially fucked. I tried to babble off some excuse but he saw right through it.

“Oh my god you can’t just live in your car!” He said/screeched, probably waking everyone within 100 meters. “Please come back with me to my place? Please? My mum will be happy to have you!” He was the one babbling at that point so I don’t remember exactly what he said after that but you get the idea.

We argued about it for a few minutes but he talked me into at least eating dinner there which wasn’t an offer I could really pass up because although I had eaten two frozen meals that day those barely counted as food.

 

We didn’t talk during the car ride but Phil played music and I recognized a lot of the bands and even some songs. It wasn’t a long drive though so I only heard a few songs before he pulled up. It was dark so I couldn’t see much of the outside except I could tell it was two story house and looked pretty big. He led me inside and it looked even bigger from there. The walls and every other available surface were also covered in pictures, plushies, and other momentoes from moments in the Lester’s lives. I looked around for a few minutes before another voice that wasn’t Phil’s spoke: “Phil, is this a new friend?”

Phil’s mum is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Phil introduced us and explained that I didn’t have a place to stay and she without any question told me where the spare room was and offered for me to stay as long as I needed.

We ate dinner after that and the chicken and vegetables Phil’s mum (who’s name I now know is Catherine) made were probably the best food I’d had in a year, which wasn’t wasn’t saying much but still, they were good. We talked about school and avoided the topic of why I lived in my car for as long as possible but I explained it after a while.

Catherine and Phil were silent and listened and after the story was done, neither commented on me being gay, only on how unfair and cruel that was. I had never been accepted before, it was one of the best feelings in the world.

We finished dinner and Phil led me up into the spare room which was on the second floor of the house. I never really agreed to saying but it seemed to be something that was silently confirmed over dinner. It’s a nice room, besides being a little bare of personality. The bed is perfectly soft and warm, the closet is newly filled with some of Phil’s clothes he was letting me borrow, and there were no cops telling me to find a different place to sleep. Phil offered to watch an episode of TV with him in his room but I declined because I am honestly exhausted. So that’s where I am, in a new house that feels like home far more than the car (which Phil and I are picking up tomorrow) ever did. It’s been an eventful day to say the least so I think I’ll go to sleep now.

Goodnight, journal.

 

* * *

  
  
January 8th, 2016

Good morning, journal.

Phil is driving me to school today so I’m writing in his car. I woke up and got ready for school and still had a half hour to spare before he said we needed to leave so I did some looking around. The house is simple but in a nice way. The front door opens into the living room which is mainly just a couch, armchair, coffee table, and fireplace. One door led from there into the dining room, another into the kitchen, and a third into the laundry room. The stairs went up to the second floor which had the bathroom and the bedrooms. It was probably the nicest place I had ever lived but I didn’t know, seeing as I don’t really remember what my house with my parents had been like.

Catherine mad pancakes this morning as well. I forgot how good real breakfast is, the closest thing I’ve had lately was a packaged muffin off the rack at work when I had spare change. Phil and I talked a lot over breakfast, mainly about school, but he’s quiet now. I don’t think he’s really comfortable driving because he doesn’t talk like usual and seems more tense. I really like Phil though, he’s really nice and we have a lot in common. He likes the same music, TV shows, and classes. I also learned that he’s lactose intolerant, is very proud of his coin stacking ability, dyes his hair which is naturally reddish-orange, and identifies as bisexual. Well we’re pulling up to school now so I have to go. I’ll keep you informed, journal.   
  


***

I made  more friends!? I was going to my usual corner today to eat lunch but Phil called me over to his table. I wasn’t really in the mood for talking to people but Phil had been so nice, I couldn’t be rude, so I followed him. He sits with a couple other people, most of whom I’d known a little beforehand from classes. 

I knew PJ from math and he was even nicer than I had thought. He’s also really creative and plans of going to film school. Chris Kendall is similar but he seems quieter and a little more reserved, he’s probably just as creative as PJ in my mind but his ideas are more artistic and less ‘out there.’ Louise Pentland is someone else I had known before today because everyone knew her. Her high voice, bright pink hair, and bubbly personality make her hard to miss. I used to think of her as a little annoying but I see now that she’s also incredibly sweet, funny, and smart. Those were the main people who I met today; someone named Tyler with mint-colored hair came by for a few minutes to ask Phil about homework but didn’t stay long so we didn’t talk. I think I can officially say I have four friends now, twenty four hours ago I didn’t even have one.   
  


After school Phil and I picked up my car from where we left it last night. Luckily, it hadn’t been broken into, stolen, or towed so I just drove it back to Phil’s (my?) house. I just finished my homework and Phil is still working. He decided to work in my room which I won’t complain about because he is playing Muse’s entire discography on his phone, most of which I still know pretty well.

One thing I’ve learned is that you find out the most random information about someone when you live with them. Like Phil never has matching socks because he leaves them all over the house and they get stolen by his ‘sock goblin.’ He seems comfortable around me which is nice, I guess he’s like a brother but that doesn’t seem to sum it up properly. Friend? Maybe that’s it. I’ve never had a brother or a friend either so I wouldn’t know. I guess I kind of had friends before getting kicked out but not really; I didn’t have anyone I was as close with as I am with Phil. I actually can’t believe we’ve only known each other a few days. I guess for now I’ll call him a friend but if I come up with a better term, I’ll let you know. I’m going to go now because Phil wants to go show me Attack On Titan in his room. Goodnight, journal.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
January 9th, 2016

Happy weekend, journal.

Today is Saturday and Phil and I are going to go shopping so I can have my own clothes. That’s probably good because Phil’s clothes don’t fit me perfectly, he’s even taller than me. We’re waiting until after lunch though because we want to finish this season of Attack On Titan. 

I fell asleep in his room last night while we were watching. I probably shouldn’t have liked it so much. We were both on the floor with only a few pillows and blankets to make it more than a thinly carpeted floor but somehow it was insanely comfortable. He’s pretty damn cuddly too, we were only laying down a few minutes before he curled up with me; not that I complained or minded at all. It’s weird to be around someone this much and trust him but it feels right like this. I was talking to Louise last night on Catherine's computer and she says that I  like him but that’s not possible. I mean, yeah it’s  possible but wouldn’t happen. I’ve never really liked a guy before, not seriously, that is. I had a crush on Mitchel Musso when I was ten but that doesn’t count. I was never interested in dating when I lived with my grandmother because she told me that I was “too young to be interested in girls.” Well I suppose she was right about that. But what I’m trying to say is that I don’t like Phil like that, no matter what Louise says. Well it’s almost lunch so I’m going to go downstairs now to help Catherine out now. She wants me to quit my job so if I’m not going to provide for myself anymore I’m at least going to go help out around the house.

***

The mall is even bigger than I remember. We went into at least fifteen stores looking for clothes and even visited PJ who worked at the coffee shop. That’s where we are now, waiting for PJ to get off his shift. Phil insisted on paying for stuff which I feel bad about but I didn’t have a choice. He made sure that I got enough clothes and other school stuff like a backpack, pens, etc. He’s really nice about everything, I couldn’t ask for a better friend to live with.

***

PJ came over to help Phil with his science project. I’m not in that class because he’s better at science than I am so I’m just hanging out in my room. It’s stupid to feel left out because it’s not like I could help but I do. I’m fucking jealous that PJ gets to help Phil make a molecule out of styrofoam. Why do I feel like this? I should be happy I have some time to rest and be alone but I’m not, at all. I guess I just got too used to his company or something. I’m sure the jealousy will pass after a while, until then I’m going to just hang out in my room and read one of the books left on the bookshelf.   
  


One downside to Phil’s room being right next to mine is that I can hear him and PJ laughing and talking through the wall, which is still kind of upsetting even after reading for an hour and finishing all of my homework. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this and I don’t know what to do. Do I talk to Phil about it? No, then I’d seem clingy and like a bit of a dick. I couldn’t just tell him not to hang out with anyone besides me, after all, he’s known PJ for years and he only really met me yesterday. Ignoring it isn’t really working but I don’t know what else to do. It’s getting late anyway so I’ll probably go to sleep soon, maybe I’ll feel a little better in the morning. Maybe I’ll feel better after dinner because I’ll get to be around Phil more, is that desperate? But desperate for what? Attention? Maybe. I know perfectly well that Phil hanging out with PJ won’t make him hang out with me any less but I can’t shake this feeling. I’m going to go help Catherine with dinner to get my mind off it now, I’ll let you know if it works after we eat.

***

I guess it kind of worked for a while. Catherine is pretty cool and we talked about school for a while. She asked me about university and I explained my plan, she said that she’d be happy to provide some extra money so I could go to a slightly nicer university. I said I’d think about it but I doubt that would happen, after all I couldn’t just ask for something so huge, they’d already done so much for me. I also learned that the Lesters have more money than they let on. Phil’s grandfather founded a chemist company and Phil’s older brother, Martyn, now runs it. I’m pretty sure she told me that to make me not feel so bad about moving in and everything, but maybe not. I also learned that Phil’s father left before Phil was born and they hadn’t heard anything from him since. I feel a little bad for Phil because at least with my parents, I have no chance of ever getting to know them, I can imagine at least some part of Phil wants to meet his father one day. 

That’s as far as the conversation got before dinner was ready and I was sent to call PJ and Phil downstairs. When I entered the room, PJ was laughing and trying to pick pieces of styrofoam from Phil’s hair and laughing.

“I can’t believe you actually dumped that shit on me.” Phil grumbled even though it was clear he wasn’t actually mad. Neither noticed my presence until I cleared my throat, they both looked up at that. “Oh, hey, Dan.” they said in unison and I felt a little hurt when I saw their smiles fade slightly at my presence. Phil swatted PJ’s hands away from his hair and he fixed it, combing his black fringe back down with his fingers. He has really nice hair, I might add.

I told them dinner was ready and left quickly, I swear I can still feel the lump in my throat from that. I wasn’t very hungry after being left out like that but I sat down with Catherine at the table anyway, Phil and PJ joined us quickly. They kept talking about the project over dinner and barely even acknowledged me besides once and a while asking me a yes or no question, which I barely could as interacting. 

Is this just what having  friends is like? Constantly trying to fight for attention and hurting? That doesn't sound fun, I feel like something is wrong because isn’t friendship supposed to make you happy? I guess you wouldn't know, journal, no offense. I'm sorry. Anyway Phil and I are going to Louise’s house tomorrow, hopefully I don't get jealous there too. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. 

Phil and I have been pretty open with each other so far, one thing we haven’t talked about though is the time he asked me out. Yeah I know it was most likely just an impulse thing and didn’t mean anything but I want to know if he maybe actually likes me. What would I say if he still wanted that? I like to think I’d be open to it, but I don’t know. The idea of dating Phil is… I don’t even know. Our friendship is so odd already I don’t even know what a relationship would do but I really don’t know. The idea of cuddling with him and holding his hand and even kissing him sounds pretty nice but is that just something you feel with friendship? Probably something like that. It doesn’t matter anyway because Phil doesn't like me or see me in that way anyway, and I don’t like him or see him in that way so I don’t even need to think about it. Why then can’t I stop thinking about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you guys like it and keep reading, subscribe and leave kudos if you do, also feel free to leave me a comment to let me know what you think. That's all for this chapter so I'll see you next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would mean the world to me if you left some comments. Hope you like this chapter!

January 10th, 2016

 

Hello, journal.

Louise has her own flat near school and lives alone. It’s a nice place and she pays for it by working at a restaurant which apparently pays pretty well. She tried to convince Phil and I to let her do our makeup (which is another thing she is very passionate about) but I said no because Phil wants to go out for lunch after this. Louise is really sweet but she’s kind of pestering me about liking Phil (which I don’t, see yesterday’s entry for proof) and it’s getting on my nerves. She pesters Phil as well but he doesn’t seem to mind as much, I probably shouldn’t either but here I am, caring too much. Louise managed to talk Phil into letting her do some sort of basic makeup but won’t let me see until it’s finished so I’m writing this while I wait for “the masterpiece” to be finished. I’m going to finish up now, journal, because I think they’re almost done and Lord knows Louise would never let it go if she knew I had a ‘diary.’ 

***

Phil in makeup is probably the closest a human can come to seeing an actual angel. She also did his hair and I don’t even know what else, all I know what he looked  good . But I don’t mean that like in an ‘I’d date him’ way, just like… He looked hot, okay, journal? She made his eyes stand out more and his skin seemed smoother. I don’t know how to describe it but wow. You’ll just have to take my word on this, journal, because I can’t capture it in words. He didn’t really seem to care and we left soon after that. Louise stopped making comments about us being in love after that, maybe she noticed I was uncomfortable? Either way, I was happy it stopped, and happy to be alone with Phil again.

We went out to lunch like I said earlier and right now we’re waiting for our food. I’m comfortable writing around Phil because he never tries to pry or get me to talk about stuff I don’t want to. He asked me on the first night I stayed with him what I was writing and I just said it was kind of personal, he dropped it after that and hasn’t brought it up yet. I don’t worry that he’s going to try and read over my shoulder or take it while I’m not looking, he’s too good a person to do that.

Something that I found surprising is that most people are okay with people liking the same gender now. Was it always that way? I guess I never knew because the home I was in was so against it. The waiter asked if we were on a date like it was no big deal when we first sat down. I swear I saw Phil blush at that but maybe it was just the makeup he was still wearing. He politely corrected the waiter and everyone carried on like it was nothing. I don’t know if everyone thinks like that, but I hope they do.

  
***

Phil and I are continuing our Attack On Titan marathon today after dinner. I'm really excited because a) Attack On Titan is really good and b) hanging out with Phil is even better. He seems really excited too which makes him even more adorable than usual. His voice gets higher and his eyes sparkle and he has the biggest, brightest smile. The best part might be that I said he could invite PJ over as well if they still needed to work but he said he’d rather hang out with me! I guess I don’t need to be jealous at all! It probably doesn’t mean all that much but it really makes me feel better. I mean PJ and Phil have been friends for at least three years (something I overheard the other night when he stayed over) be Phil already liked hanging out with me more, at least some of the time.

Phil said he didn’t get much sleep last night so he’s taking a nap right now. He was in my room for a while to help me with one of our Writing assignments, most of it was just him showing me how to use some of the new features on the computer so I could write on there, but that meant he wasn’t doing much for a while as I wrote. He started drifting off and it was so adorable, journal. His eyelids started to droop and his head lolled onto my shoulder. He fell asleep like that for a few minutes and I didn’t have the heart to wake him. He seemed so comfy and peaceful like that, leaning against me for support. He also looked really beautiful. I don’t know why but he did; his hair falling into his eyes and his features soft and relaxed. Him sleeping should have made me feel calm too because of his steady breathing against my shoulder but my heart started racing. I felt like I should have done something, anything, maybe put my arm around him or… But I don’t know, that probably would have been weird. He woke up after only a few minutes and apologized even though I told him it was fine. He left then to go back to his own room; I hope he sleeps better tonight.   
  
  


* * *

  
  


January 11th, 2016

 

Hello, journal!

Last night was kind of amazing. We’re driving to school right now so I have time to tell you before anything else happens. After dinner, we went to Phil’s room to watch more Attack On Titan. He took a nap already, like I said, but was still tired. He fell asleep during the second episode so I got up to leave as soon as the episode ended. We were both laying on the bed so my movement woke him up. He looked at me for a few seconds before yawning cutely and reaching out for my hand. I was pretty surprised but he pulled me back a little and said “stay with me.” I laid back down but made sure to stay on the other side of the bed, not wanting to make things awkward. Apparently, he didn't care about the personal space thing so he moved closer and cuddled up to me like a cat. He fell asleep like that after a few minutes. I couldn’t sleep for a while but I didn’t mind, Phil was warm and cuddling with him was comfortable. Our bodies fit together well and he doesn’t snore or anything, just breathes steadily and softly, occasionally smiling and in sleep. I fell asleep too after about an hour and stayed curled up with him all night.

Catherine woke us up in the morning and I was embarrassed for a while because she pretty much walked in on me cuddling with her son and she didn’t really know me that well. I was worried she might think Phil and I were hiding something from her, which of course we weren’t, but she didn’t say anything so I guess we’re good. After that I had to go back to my room to get ready for school. Speaking of which, I have to go because we’re almost to school.

***

I tried to pay attention in math today but I failed. Ms. Hurst called on me again to answer some bullshit question that we barely even talked about prior and, as always, it ended in me being mocked by the entire class. Nothing was different there, until after class. PJ and I walked to lunch together seeing as that’s where we were both going after math. He asked if I wanted him to explain the chapter to me, something no one had ever offered before. He didn’t even want me to pay him or anything, he just genuinely wanted to help. I said yes because I couldn’t turn down an offer like that, after all, he was pretty much top of our class and I really needed the help. 

When we got to lunch, there were a couple other people at the table. Chris and Louise were there as well as the mint-haired boy I’d seen before. PJ Sat next to him and I sat next to Louise. The boy had smiled brightly and introduced himself as Tyler Oakley. He seemed nice and really funny, also more energetic than most. He seemed very open about the fact that he was  _ very _ gay, which reminded me that I hadn’t actually told my new friends of my sexuality. No one cared that Tyler liked guys so I wasn’t very nervous when I told them that I liked boys as well as girls. Louise congratulated me and said she was proud, PJ said he would be my wingman if I ever wanted, Chris just smiled warmly and gave me a pat on the back, and Tyler made a noise that I can only describe as a happy squawk and said I was officially part of the “queer club.”

Phil didn’t show up for lunch today but I saw him later in Writing. He said he had a meeting with a teacher but I didn’t have time to find out any more before the bell rang and I had to take my seat on the other side of the room. That’s where I am now, writing again in history. I keep getting distracted and looking at Phil. He’s not paying attention either, no one ever is, he is instead doodling in his notebook. I can’t see what he was drawing but I’m perfectly content watching his face. That sounds creepy but, seriously, I’m just that bored and his face is pretty damn interesting. He bites his lips a lot and runs his fingers through his hair a lot and his eyes dart around every now and then. I hope he doesn’t notice me staring because he’d probably think I’m really creepy. I just like looking at him, there’s nothing wrong with that.

  
***

I finished my homework early so I decided to re-read my journal tonight? Was it really only a few days ago that I moved here? It was just over a week ago that I started writing, that’s insane. How can someone’s life change so fast like that? I really hope I never start taking that for granted. I’m pretty sure that Phil is an actual angel, and Catherine of course. But Phil took it upon himself to help me, he could have just kept driving and I’d still be living in the car. I’m rambling but I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it just means more and more the longer I think. Phil changed my life forever and I’m never going to be able to thank him enough. I just want to thank him and hug him and spend time with him and make him happy.

Louise asked me to think about if I liked him today after lunch. She stopped talking about it for a while but just brought it up out of the blue. She said it seemed like we like each other and she just wanted me to think. She made me a list of signs and said I just just look over it. I guess there’s no harm in looking, I already know I don’t feel that was about him but I might as well look just to make her happy. I’m going to write the list down here as well as proof as to why each sign is wrong because I can think better if I write it down.

 

  1. Do you always want to know more about them? Yes but that’s because he’s my friend. I love hearing him talk about himself and the things he’s passionate about, but all friends do that so it doesn’t mean anything
  2. Do you find them attractive on the outside and inside? Of course I do! He’s amazing and also really handsome but that doesn’t mean I want to date him. This list is bullshit.
  3. Do you think about them a lot? We live together and are friends so it’s only natural for me to think about him all the time. Of course I’m going to spend a lot of time playing out scenes of us hanging out in my mind but that’s just because we’re friends, all friends do that.
  4. Do you always laugh at their jokes? Well yeah, he’s funny! I laugh at his jokes more than most of his other friends but I guess that’s just because they got used to his humor, that would make a lot of sense.
  5. Do you talk about them a lot? Obviously I do but that’s only because we live together and spend so much time together, of course he’s on my mind all the time. And I talk about him a lot because I’m always thinking about him.
  6. Do you try to be near them a lot? Yeah but only because I finally have a real friend and I want to hang out with him as much as possible. Doesn’t everyone do that with their friends?
  7. Do you get butterflies when you see them? Sometimes? But it’s just because I’m nervous around people and scared I might do or say something stupid, I don’t really feel it with my other friends but that’s just because if they didn’t like me it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
  8. Do you want to kiss or date them? I don’t know. I mean the idea doesn’t sound bad but that’s just because I’m gay and he’s attractive, right? Yeah I’m sure it’s nothing. If I knew someone else as attractive as him I’d feel the same towards them but there’s no one nearly as attractive as Phil in the rest of the school, probably the country, maybe the world.



 

See? Just because it looks like I like him that doesn’t mean anything. We’re just friends and nothing more.   
  


* * *

 

January 12th, 2016

 

Hello journal.

I just woke up from the weirdest dream. Phil and I were just watching TV like any other night but suddenly he kissed me, but the weirdest part was that I wasn’t surprised. We just kissed like it was no big deal and went back to the anime we were watching. I guess it was because I fell asleep thinking about that last night or something but I can’t shake that feeling. His lips on mine, his hands on my hips, his body against mine; it felt so real and right. Why do I care so much? It was just a dream. I just need to go back to sleep and forget about it, yeah, that should work. I’m going to do that because I still have a few hours before I need to get up for school. Goodnight, journal.

***

I was still thinking about that dream when I got up and all through the morning. I didn’t know what to do but I ran into Tyler in the hallway before class. We talked for a while about this and that and I think he could tell I was troubled because he asked what was on my mind. I almost said I was just tired and left it at that but he’s clearly kind and understanding as well as gay and knowledgeable about emotions and relationships so I told him. He said that it is possible for the dream to just be that, a dream; it might not mean anything. He said I should think more about it though, I don’t know if I want to do that. I want to just block the memory out and forget about it but he’s probably right. What if it  did mean something? I can’t like Phil, I just can’t. He’s my friend and he’s already done so much for me, I can’t ask more. I guess I don’t need to worry about that because I don’t even think I like him, I’m just considering what I’d do  if I did like him.

We didn’t get to talk for any longer than that because then we had to go to class. He told me that I could always talk to him if I needed which I expect I will at some point. Now I need to focus on science now though because the review lecture is starting and our first quiz of the semester is coming up.

One other thing that came from that dream was things with Phil and I are a little awkward. Obviously he doesn’t feel that was but every time I look at him all I can think of is the amazing feeling of his hands and lips. I’m getting freaked out that it will hurt our friendship, something I really don’t want. Even if I did like him, which seems to be becoming a bigger possibility the more I think about it, I wouldn’t tell him. If I did like him I’d just ignore it until it went away, like all crushes do eventually. Maybe I don’t even like him and all of this is just me overthinking it, ugh, emotions are so complicated. I’m going to say I might like him for now until I know more because I don’t know what else to say about it. 

It sucks because he’s just about the worst person for me to like. Not because he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend or something but seriously what if he didn’t the same? Or what if we broke up? We freaking live together, it would be so awkward. I need to stop talking about this though, it’s not helping me ignore these feelings at all.

  
***

Tyler invited me over today so we could talk some more since I didn’t have a phone or anything. Phil said it was okay and Tyler offered to drop me off afterwards so I agreed. The Oakley’s house wasn’t as big as Phil’s (mine? I don’t even know) but it was still nice. Tyler shared a room with his older brother but he had football practice until late so he wasn’t there. We just talked most of the time, and not just about Phil. I explained how I got kicked out and he listened really well, then we talked about how Tyler had hidden his sexuality for years because he was scared. We did talk about Phil for a while after that.

I told him what I’d figured out that day and he said it made sense. The only thing we disagreed on was that he doesn’t think hiding my feelings is a good idea. He said that if I do end up liking him, ignoring it won’t help. He told me this story about a guy, Troye, that he used to like and kind of still does, pretty much he hid his feelings from him for so long that Troye ended up getting over his own feelings and going out with this other boy, Connor. I mean that sucks for him but does he really think it’s a good idea for me to tell Phil? I know that Tyler knows a lot about this stuff but I don’t think he really understands, I  can’t risk losing Phil. I would probably be back on the streets then, which I can’t let happen.

After that, Tyler and I talked about school for a long time. He seems smart, just a little distracted. He isn’t in any of my classes but he says he wants to try and talk more during the other times like lunch and after school. He seems to get me well and I hope that he feels the same about me. When it was time for home to drive me back home we were still not bored of each other. We talked in the car and he wished me good luck on figuring out my emotions when I left. 

Phil didn’t say anything when I got back, not even a simple ‘hello.’ It really hurt because I’m pretty sure that it’s my fault. I’ve been pushing him away today just because every time I’m around him I can’t think. I hope he isn’t taking it the wrong way. Catherine asked me if I had fun over dinner and even then, Phil stayed silent and sullen. I don’t even know what my feelings are and they’re ruining things! I don’t know what would be worse, if I do like him and have to deal with it or if I don’t and know that I made things awkward for absolutely nothing. I’m going to sleep now, journal. I hope I can clear my head by the morning because the mess of emotions I’ve got in my brain right now sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind the casual Troyler reference, I couldn't help myself. But anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, please leave kudos and comments if you did. The next (and last!!!) chapter will be up when I have free time again. See you then!


	4. Chapter 4

January 13th, 2016

 

Good morning, journal.

Being around Phil isn’t so bad today, I guess that dream just really fucked my thoughts up, but it’s still awkward because he’s still not talking to me. We’re driving to school but he hasn’t said anything to me except “good morning,” and “glad you and Tyler get along.” I don’t know how to fix this. I tried to talk to him just the only replies I got were grunts or nods. 

“Do you want to watch more Attack On Titan tonight?” He shrugged. “Did you and PJ finish up the project?” He nodded. “Did you know someone named Troye Sivan?” He nodded. “Are you mad at me for something?” He grunted.

I gave up on conversation after that and started writing. I don’t even know for sure why he’s upset so how am I supposed to fix it? I know I was kind of pushing him away yesterday but I’m trying to fix and he’s just ignoring me! I’m going to leave him alone for today and try again tonight. I might get one of our friends to try and help me but I doubt they’d pick my side over his, after all, they were his friends first. I just really hope this gets fixed soon because Phil is still my best friend; better than Tyler, better than PJ, better than anyone.

***

I was hoping at lunch Phil would talk to me but no such luck. He sat with us and immediately started talking to PJ about the grade they got on their science project and how they wanted get an A instead of a B+ on their next project. Tyler came over and sat next to me, as soon as he did Phil suggested that him and PJ go find a different table so they could “discuss the project in more detail.” Tyler looked at me, his blue eyes filled with concern “is something wrong with you guys?” He had asked. I told him about how I pushed him away and how he was mad now, Tyler just gave me that dad look again and said nothing. I guess there’s nothing to be said.

Phil still drove me home and, once again, I tried to get him to talk to me but still nothing. He just said he was tired and had a lot of homework so he wanted to be alone. I just wish he’d talk to me, tell me what he’s mad about, but he wouldn’t do that. It’s making me pretty angry because how am I supposed to fix things if he won’t tell me what’s wrong? I could rant about this all night, lord knows it’s what I’ve been doing internally all day, but I have homework that needs to get done so I’m going to go do that. I hope you never start to like a teenager boy, journal, we’re far too emotional.

***

Phil didn’t come down for dinner, he said he was too busy with homework and wasn’t hungry. I knew that was bullshit but didn’t say anything, Catherine either didn’t know or didn’t want to deal with Phil’s drama so we ate alone. She was filling out some stuff for work so we didn’t talk much besides her asking how my day was and me doing the same. After we ate I thanked her for the meal and then came back up to my room. This stuff with Phil is wearing me out so I’m going to sleep now even though it’s early. Goodnight, journal. (And fuck you too, Phil.)

  
  


* * *

 

January 14th, 2016

 

Hello, journal.

I have some time to write before I leave for school so I’m going to update you on how stuff with Phil is going. I went downstairs for breakfast and the only thing he said to me was “I think you should drive yourself to school today,” after that he went back into his room. I kind of wanted to follow him but I doubt that would help at all. I should probably go now if I don’t want to be late. Wish me luck, journal.

***

I mainly talked to Tyler today, but also Chris and Louise. Everyone has caught on that we’re fighting by now, it’s not like it isn’t obvious. Chris and Louise don’t really know why, assuming Phil hasn’t told them, as far as I know the only person who knows the story besides us is Tyler but Phil probably told PJ. Louise and Chris both seem pretty worried but Louise is pretty busy and Chris is shy so they don’t say anything. I wouldn’t be able to tell them even if they asked because admitting I probably like Phil to all of our friends is probably a bad plan. I ended up ignoring Phil too, I didn’t know what else to do. The day has been pretty unbearable so far because there’s this thick tension between the two of us, every time we pass in the hallway we don’t even make eye contact when before we would have smiled and said hi. Ugh, at least it’s almost over. After this I can drive myself back home and lock myself in my room.

Tyler invited me over again but I said no this time. As much as I want to get away from this whole thing with Phil I still have homework to do and a science quiz to study for. He didn’t mind, only wished me luck again with Phil. Thank Tyler, I’ll need it.

***

Alright journal, it’s time for another story. It’s late now so this is the story of everything that happened since I got home. I got home a few minutes after Phil because I was talking to Tyler and as soon as I got inside, Catherine stopped me. She asked if we could talk and of course I said yes, it was the least I could do. “It’s about Phil,” she said and my heart stopped, I hope she wasn't mad at me. If she knew we were fighting, maybe she would kick me out, I had thought. “He’s pretty upset,” she’d continued “I’m happy you and Tyler get along but Phil is just feeling a little left out.” So that’s what this was all about? He was  jealous of  Tyler ? 

“You should go talk to him and make sure he knows you’re still his friend too.” 

I thanked her and rushed up to Phil’s room. I knocked on the door and walked in when I didn’t hear a reply. He was laying on his bed looking at the ceiling head earbuds in, I could vaguely hear the tune even from here so it was no surprise he didn’t hear me. I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he was like that, no matter how mad I tried to be at him, he was still Phil. Still the guy who sacrificed some of his own money and comfort in order to give me a home and a family. 

I cleared my throat loudly and he looked at me. He didn’t look angry or anything like that, just surprised. I probably stood there for what too long and just stared at him but eventually I remembered how to speak. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was probably something stupid like “so, er, I still like you more than Tyler.”

“Huh?” He asked, sitting up. He looked really perplexed like I wasn’t even speaking English anymore.

“Your mum said you were jealous, like,you don’t need to be.” I had mumbled, looking at the ground and shuffling my feet like a little kid admitting they broke a plate.

“She told you that?” He asked. He wouldn’t look at me “I’m sorry, you probably think I’m an idiot.”

Of course I didn’t think he was an idiot, I’d been jealous of him and PJ with much less cause “I don’t think that,” I mumbled.

“But you guys should be able to hang out. It’s not like I’m the only one you’re allowed to be with. I guess I just…” He trailed off their and I saw him blush even though he ducked his head to hide it.

“Just what?” I prompted.

He didn’t say anything for a long time but then spoke “I let my feelings get the better of me.” His voice was shaking but it wasn’t as if I could blame him. Saying that took more guts than the rest of the school had combined.

“Feelings, like…?” I asked. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I was going to pass out. It felt a little like that time last summer when I got heat stroke, but not as quite as bad.

He nodded and swallowed hard, enough that I could see his Adam’s apple move on his neck and it must have hurt. “Yeah,” he muttered, I thought he might say more but his voice faltered and he fell silent.

“Like… Romantically?” I swear I must have sounded like an idiot, I don’t know why he still liked me after that.

“Yes, Dan,” he said. He actually sounded a little annoyed, I didn’t blame him. It was something I should have seen from the start. It was pretty obvious now that I’m thinking about it. Phil and I were really close but then I start hanging out with Tyler the openly-gay and admittedly attractive guy that Phil didn’t know well, of course that would create some suspicion in Phil’s mind and make him jealous if he liked me.

“I like you too,” I said. I tried to make it sound confident but, knowing me, it probably sounded whiny and desperate. 

It seemed to get the point across well enough though because he looked up, his eyes wide “you do?” His voice got higher than usual which was pretty cute.

I nodded and sat next to him. He tackled me into a bear hug, which caught me off guard so he actually ended up pushing me onto the bed, which somewhere between awkward and amazing. He blinked down at me like he was just as surprised as I was and then started laughing. He rolled off me and I started laughing as well. I guess that reminded Catherine to check on us so she poked her head in “you boys work it out?” She asked.

Phil gave her a thumbs up and nodded “yep, everything’s good. Thanks, mum.”

She left and Phil looked back at me, he looked so happy. I knew this was the right thing to do when I saw him look at me like that. Part of me wanted to ask a million questions like if we would tell Catherine or what we’d do if it didn’t work but as soon as I saw the way his eyes were sparkling and how big his smile was, I didn’t care about any of that.

We talked and made sure that everything really was sorted out between us was really sorted out, which it was, for a while until dinner was ready. We decided not to tell Catherine quite yet but we would soon, probably tomorrow at dinner, and to wait about a week to tell everyone else. We also decided to take things slow because we didn’t want to rush things and have it not work out, which would be horrible. It seemed that things had all come together now. After dinner, Phil and I did our homework in my room and then watched an episode of Attack On Titan which turned into cuddling like before. This time I went back to my room though before we fell asleep so that’s where I am now. I’m going to sleep now so goodnight, journal, it’s been a long day.

 

* * *

  
  
January 15th, 2016

 

Phil is driving me to school today again and we talked again in the car. He asked if he could tell PJ and I said yes, as long as I could tell Tyler. It was clear he wasn’t jealous of Tyler anymore because he knew that Tyler was just my friend, not even my best friend either because that’s still Phil. I don’t know if someone can technically be your best friend and your boyfriend (I don’t know if that’s what Phil is now but I don’t know what else to call him) but it feels wrong to say anything else. He’s still my best friend but now we’re also together, simple as that.

Things feel different between us now, it’s a good kind of different though. We just felt closer, or at least I did, I don’t know how Phil feels. I know he’s happier though; he smiles more, and his eyes are brighter. He can never hide his emotions because they always show through somehow like in his voice or the way he walked, I’d learned little tells like that even in just the short time we’d known each other. I like knowing someone this well, it’s so different from before when I didn’t know anyone.

  
***

Tyler screamed when I told him about Phil and I getting together, like actually screamed in the middle of the hallway. There was a teacher (I think she teaches art) walking passed and threatened to give him detention for it but he managed to get out of it somehow. He has so much energy it’s insane. He was really happy for us and supportive like I knew he would be, I hope everyone else reacts similarly, but maybe quieter. Phil also told me that PJ was happy for us during Writing, which is great. 

I’m writing in History again because Mrs. Jones didn’t want to teach today so she just gave us a worksheet that I finished in, like, five minutes. Peter Shrew is also minding his own damn business today, thank god, so It get to write this without worry. I guess I really did like Phil, I never really stated that flat out to you, journal, so in case you missed it,  I like Phil . It feel good to admit that. I probably did pretty much since I moved in and after reading over older entries, maybe even since we met, I didn’t want to admit it because it could have hurt our friendship. So Tyler was right, but I wasn’t hiding how I felt from Phil, I was hiding it from myself, which is probably even worse.

***

When Phil drove me home he asked if I wanted to tell Catherine as soon as we got home or wait until dinner, I told him he didn’t care which resulted in him saying he didn’t care either so that didn’t get us anywhere. We settled on flipping a coin once we got home, figuring that then we’d have a definite answer but Phil flipped the coin too hard and we lost it, so we decided to wait until dinner or at least until one of us found a replacement coin. I don’t want to search all over the house just for a coin so I’m just going to do homework now to get my mind off being worried. I’ll let you know how it goes after dinner, journal.

***

Catherine called us down for dinner soon after I finished my work so I didn’t have too much time to overthink, which was probably the only thing that kept me from locking myself in my room for the rest of eternity. Phil looked even more nervous than me which was, oddly enough, comforting. We sat down and neither of us said anything which was probably what gave us away. “What are you two not telling me?” She asked. 

We looked at each other to try and figure out who would say it but apparently the signal got mixed up at some point because I said “last night we started dating” at the exact same time that Phil said “Dan and I are boyfriends now.” I honestly don’t know how she decoded any meaning from that gibberish because added onto the fact that we were talking at the same time, we were both rushing and stuttering, nevertheless she figured it out.

“You’re sure about this?” She asked neither of us in particular. We both nodded and Phil took my hand under the table. He hadn’t done that before and I liked it, like,  really liked it.

“As long as you’re happy I’m okay with it,” she smiled warmly and we knew she meant that. “Obviously we will have to have some rules though.”

“Mum!” Phil argued “we’re seventeen, not five!”

“I am fully aware of your age, Philip,” the full name stopped his protesting pretty fast. “I’m not saying that you won’t get up to, um, mature things at some point,” yes, journal, I did have to have the ‘safe sex’ talk over dinner. I don’t tell you what else she said but I’m sure you can figure it out. I will mention that it was probably the most awkward things I’ve ever experienced and that’s saying something.

  
We’re hanging out in Phil’s room now and he’s laying across my lap, I think he’ll fall asleep like that, not that I’d mind. He looks so relaxed and happy, Catherine also doesn’t seem to care if I sleep in his room so I have no real reason to leave. I think I’m going to lay down with Phil now and sleep. Goodnight, journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really hoped you guys liked this fic even though it was short. I had a lot of fun writing it and I might try writing again in this style, this was more of an experiment with it so let me know if you liked it and it read well. It would mean a lot if you subscribed to my profile or checked out some of the other stuff I've written. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hoped you enjoyed! Bye, guys!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked this first chapter hit that kudos button to let me know, also please leave a comment to let me know, it would make my day. If you're familiar with my writing you'll know I usually have a schedule for posting but I'm not doing that for this story because it's much shorter than what I usually write, I'm just going to post whenever I have time but updates should still be pretty frequent. If you want notifications when I update just subscribe. That's all for this chapter but I'll see you guys next time! Bye!


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